reasons i hate facebook

Reasons I Hate Facebook...the never-ending list:

1) Its not just for college kids anymore
... i thought it was bad enough when i had to listen to college kids complain about how bad their lives sucked because of their multiple finals and papers and class assignments but now anyone in their mid 40s can post their lamentations and 'too much information' updates on their kids and unexciting lives (unless your 4 year old found a cure for cancer, Im not impressed). don't get me started on these 12 year olds who bitch and complain about their 'hard lives'. stay in school idiots.

2) The "its complicated" relationship option
...used by skanky guys and girls who want to be in a relationship and still sleep with whoever they want. or if your relationship is so dysfunctional you don't want to admit it actually exists. that's when you know it's time to just call it quits. cmon y'all... you are either exclusive or not. grow up.

3) Using your 'status updates' as a means of seeking sympathy
...STOP COMPLAINING ALREADY!!! your daily aches and pains and issues with your job or the garbage man are not of any interest to me or the rest of the virtual world. the fact that you are constantly irritated by everyone and everything on a daily basis shows your need for xanax... not facebook. go to a therapist or shut up! i will use the hide feature on you..wait, i probably have...

4) You are bipolar...and now 645 of us know it
...If saturday you post that you "hate the world and you don't know who your real friends are and you are giving up on all of humanity" and sunday you post that you "love life and are so happy to have the greatest family and friends" we think you are a melodramatic bonehead and you need an anti-depressant... or a swift kick in the ass which i give out for free... take a number or i will assign you one.

5) Your status updates only consist of "emo" song lyrics
...dashboard confessional has never and will never be good music. your cookie-cutter suburban lives filled with high school drama and your part-time job at dominos pizza is not worthy of such pity. use your words kids, not wannabe 30 year old garage rock doofus'...

6) Each photo album consists of 170 pictures you took of yourself
...stop wasting prime virtual real estate with scantily-clad photos of yourself in front of your mirror in your pink bedroom. yea, you might be cute, but now everyone thinks you are a egotistical moron and that my friend, makes you ugly.

7) You constantly update about your pregnancy
... im glad your uterus works and that you are getting laid and that you are about to add a "little bundle of joy" to your family... but no one cares about your inflated boobs, your lactation malfunctions, your bowel movements, your morning sickness, your mood swings...you get the picture. post a sonogram, let us all congratulate you, and then cut it out with the TMI. we all thank you. (Disclosure: this does not pertain to high-risk/complicated pregnancies where facebook is the means to fill in friends and family who are needing daily updates)

8) Posting passive-aggressive status updates about your significant others or "friends"
...passive aggressive behavior is a sign of immaturity. say what you mean or don't say anything at all. im sick of rolling my eyes at your updates on a daily basis... its giving me a headache as well as everyone else. spare me your drama. its childish. go back to myspace.

9) Getting weekly invites to skanky dance clubs
...if you are my friend on facebook, we've obviously met, so you know im not a slut. you know i dont dress like one. you know i don't listen to crappy techno/house music. i do not want to come to your club promo and hang out with sweaty dudes in seven jeans and skanks wearing minidresses. not my scene. not my crowd. take me off your "VIP list". thanks.

10) Friend requests from strangers
...Friend: A person whom one knows; an acquaintance... if you do not meet that simplest definition, do not add me. don't waste your time. don't press the button. I won't add you. its just creepy and no one likes a creeper. and if I have added you and I don't know you, shame on you for requesting my friendship whilst I am downing a bottle of jack daniels. my bad. im sure ill delete you eventually

11) Groups asking for phone numbers
...sucks you lost your phone. dont get so drunk. you need my number? message me. if not, it was nice knowing you. i see it as a "social evolution of the species"...

12) Pokes
...nuff said

13) Farmville, Mafia Wars, Sorority Life, etc...
...my life has enough going on that I dont feel the need to have an alternate reality simulated game life... but its okay if you do. that i dont judge.... but stop asking me for nails and shutters and shingles for your damn barns and stop posting your effing mafia wars stats for everyone to see and stop telling me that you want to give me a fake leather purse... i know there is a hide button. and i use it. i just shouldnt have to because youre laaaaammmeeeee

14) "Sweepstakes" contests
...if you want to spend hours enrolling in contests to win a mac book, so be it. i wish you luck. stop sending me that shit. if i want a mac book, ill buy it. if i want a best buy gift card, ill ask for one at christmas time. hide.

15) Conversations in reply to my status update which have no relevance to said status update
...there is a message feature for such occasions. use it.

16) Using incorrect grammar spelling, and really annoying abbreviations
... they're, their, there
... too, to, two
... your, you're
... learn them, use them, stop annoying me. proofread your writing so you dont look like an idiot. stop abbreviating words like 'and' and using 'n'. stop abbreviating words like 'maybe" and using "mayb". you are an adult. write like one.


...like i said, this list is ever-growing. however, i do find facebook a great means of staying connected to friends from college or family scattered throughout these great states. so i continue to use it... which gives me every right to complain about the things i hate.

if you find yourself a perpetrator of any of these and take offense to my comments, tough. grow some thicker skin. its me. not everyone will approve of everything you do in life. learn it. get over it. move on. if these things bring you joy, well, good for you. im not you. period.

what do YOU hate about facebook? if its witty and i agree, it might just make my list