life after babymakers

no, okay really that title is way dramatic.

thursday I had a cyst on my ovary removed. this makes people feel slightly uncomfortable-the talk of a womans reproductive organs-so I tell them I had surgery on my babymakers and they just say "okay" and leave me to popping percocet and watching last season of desperate housewives on DVD (which I conned my mother into giving me as an early christmas present on the premise that I would only ever fully recover from such a traumatic experience if I spent hours upon wasted hours watching trashy ABC dramas)

okay so I'm sooooo over this. I am not a creature to be jailed inside of my mothers house recovering. I live in Center City Philadelphia for Christ's sake and I drink beer on Mondays and go to work and go to graduate school and live my unimportant and at times fulfilling life how I see fit damnit... and I have DVR. my mom so has to stop being a penny pincher.

not to mention, I am beginning to think that I am a veritable plague on my family's wellbeing. I have no idea how a 76 year old dutch woman, my mother and her sometimes live-in fiance, and my 23 year old sister with live-in Tennessee country bumpkin boyfriend can have so much GD drama. Since I arrived Wednesday night (I have been in suffering an entire week!) the plight of my family has manifested in the following ways:

1. my sister received an iPhone 4 for Christmas. she was pickpocketed in the city a meager 6 hours after receiving said iPhone. drama, wailing, and the gnashing of teeth ensued. ***pop percocet***

2. my sister lost her job. awake at 7am to what I think is my sister flinging her hopeless body into her bedroom walls. ***pop percocet***

3. my grandmother has diarrhea for an entire day while baking Christmas cookies... wondering how good grandmas hygiene regimen really is. ***dont pop percocet, look for hard liquor***

4. playing russian roulette with my post-op urinary frequency and losing (much to the dismay of my mother). ***mother asks for percocet***

5. falling off the toilet because i didn't shut the bathroom door and my sisters 80lb. black lab bum rushed me in the middle of my business. ***look for nearby apt. on craigslist***




recovery PLUS entertainment. what a lucky girl I've been.

---------------- moving on ----------------------

im so irritated by a number of things right now: let me list them for you YAY

a) there is a man on the other side of the wall from me snoring on his couch. someone made these walls so poorly that I can hear another human being fucking breathing-albeit from his loose, somewhat obstructed throatmouthjowls

b) everytime I put the recliner down on this loveseat my computer cord gets stuck underneath and then I have to put it back up, remove said computer cord, put recliner back down and so-on. um hello! some strange man I barely knew just cut apart my insides and I'm doing fucking furniture gymnastics. I guess I could just let it run on battery power...hmm

c) I am so stressed right now that I am finding myself shoving unecessary calories in the form of Oreo cookies and cinnamon toast crunch in my already bloated and naked face. what say you? you cant have cookies and cereal without milk, right? well of course not silly, I've been drinking allllll the milk I want. and suffering the foul angst of lactose intolerance right along with it. ef.

d) i have to sleep on my back. i am a belly sleeper. sometimes a side sleeper if I'm really feeling adventurous. i awoke this morning to my boyfriends face- in my face- and screamed. he wanted to give me an innocent goodbye kiss. dont wake someone on prescription narcotics by placing your mug 3 inches from my already out-of-focus eyeballs. really. dont do it again.

e) im itchy. my incision sites are killing me. If Hitler manufactured one thing before he died it was dissolvable stitches. there they lie underneath my waterproof bandages, tugging and gnawing and eating away at my flesh. i cant get to them. all i want is a rusty knife and a bottle of jack daniels and I'm my own outpatient surgeon.

f) I want a puppy

g) i just choked on my own spit.


i am good at lists. not so good at other things. life rock climbing. ive never been. im just guessing. i have short arms.

mean people suck? no, not as much as stupid ones...

I had a lot more planned for tonight but alas, my bio-statistics has taken advantage of me for far too many hours and i am left with this one thought...

if i ever get my hands on those stupid dirty skanks from 'The Real Housewives of ______ (enter sleazy town name here)' they'll all need new kneecaps.

the end.

passive aggressive...

thanks funny guys

passive aggressive? more like, immature and no balls. say what you mean. and i mean say it. don't write a snide little note to someone or put something on facebook like a complete twit. "thanks for emptying the dishwasher! ill be sure to repay you next time"... or something equally as lame.

if you couldnt tell, one thing i absolutely despise is passive aggressive behavior. its childish and if you are ever passive aggressive with me, you damn well better believe im calling you out on it and you won't like it.

so take a few tips from this hilarious, yet infuriating (infuriating because these stupid ass people actually exist) website. have a laugh, or two, or two hundred, but please please please, learn something...

some of my faves:

they learn young

nothing like passive aggressive crescendo

reasons i hate facebook

Reasons I Hate Facebook...the never-ending list:

1) Its not just for college kids anymore
... i thought it was bad enough when i had to listen to college kids complain about how bad their lives sucked because of their multiple finals and papers and class assignments but now anyone in their mid 40s can post their lamentations and 'too much information' updates on their kids and unexciting lives (unless your 4 year old found a cure for cancer, Im not impressed). don't get me started on these 12 year olds who bitch and complain about their 'hard lives'. stay in school idiots.

2) The "its complicated" relationship option
...used by skanky guys and girls who want to be in a relationship and still sleep with whoever they want. or if your relationship is so dysfunctional you don't want to admit it actually exists. that's when you know it's time to just call it quits. cmon y'all... you are either exclusive or not. grow up.

3) Using your 'status updates' as a means of seeking sympathy
...STOP COMPLAINING ALREADY!!! your daily aches and pains and issues with your job or the garbage man are not of any interest to me or the rest of the virtual world. the fact that you are constantly irritated by everyone and everything on a daily basis shows your need for xanax... not facebook. go to a therapist or shut up! i will use the hide feature on you..wait, i probably have...

4) You are bipolar...and now 645 of us know it
...If saturday you post that you "hate the world and you don't know who your real friends are and you are giving up on all of humanity" and sunday you post that you "love life and are so happy to have the greatest family and friends" we think you are a melodramatic bonehead and you need an anti-depressant... or a swift kick in the ass which i give out for free... take a number or i will assign you one.

5) Your status updates only consist of "emo" song lyrics
...dashboard confessional has never and will never be good music. your cookie-cutter suburban lives filled with high school drama and your part-time job at dominos pizza is not worthy of such pity. use your words kids, not wannabe 30 year old garage rock doofus'...

6) Each photo album consists of 170 pictures you took of yourself
...stop wasting prime virtual real estate with scantily-clad photos of yourself in front of your mirror in your pink bedroom. yea, you might be cute, but now everyone thinks you are a egotistical moron and that my friend, makes you ugly.

7) You constantly update about your pregnancy
... im glad your uterus works and that you are getting laid and that you are about to add a "little bundle of joy" to your family... but no one cares about your inflated boobs, your lactation malfunctions, your bowel movements, your morning sickness, your mood swings...you get the picture. post a sonogram, let us all congratulate you, and then cut it out with the TMI. we all thank you. (Disclosure: this does not pertain to high-risk/complicated pregnancies where facebook is the means to fill in friends and family who are needing daily updates)

8) Posting passive-aggressive status updates about your significant others or "friends"
...passive aggressive behavior is a sign of immaturity. say what you mean or don't say anything at all. im sick of rolling my eyes at your updates on a daily basis... its giving me a headache as well as everyone else. spare me your drama. its childish. go back to myspace.

9) Getting weekly invites to skanky dance clubs
...if you are my friend on facebook, we've obviously met, so you know im not a slut. you know i dont dress like one. you know i don't listen to crappy techno/house music. i do not want to come to your club promo and hang out with sweaty dudes in seven jeans and skanks wearing minidresses. not my scene. not my crowd. take me off your "VIP list". thanks.

10) Friend requests from strangers
...Friend: A person whom one knows; an acquaintance... if you do not meet that simplest definition, do not add me. don't waste your time. don't press the button. I won't add you. its just creepy and no one likes a creeper. and if I have added you and I don't know you, shame on you for requesting my friendship whilst I am downing a bottle of jack daniels. my bad. im sure ill delete you eventually

11) Groups asking for phone numbers
...sucks you lost your phone. dont get so drunk. you need my number? message me. if not, it was nice knowing you. i see it as a "social evolution of the species"...

12) Pokes
...nuff said

13) Farmville, Mafia Wars, Sorority Life, etc...
...my life has enough going on that I dont feel the need to have an alternate reality simulated game life... but its okay if you do. that i dont judge.... but stop asking me for nails and shutters and shingles for your damn barns and stop posting your effing mafia wars stats for everyone to see and stop telling me that you want to give me a fake leather purse... i know there is a hide button. and i use it. i just shouldnt have to because youre laaaaammmeeeee

14) "Sweepstakes" contests
...if you want to spend hours enrolling in contests to win a mac book, so be it. i wish you luck. stop sending me that shit. if i want a mac book, ill buy it. if i want a best buy gift card, ill ask for one at christmas time. hide.

15) Conversations in reply to my status update which have no relevance to said status update
...there is a message feature for such occasions. use it.

16) Using incorrect grammar spelling, and really annoying abbreviations
... they're, their, there
... too, to, two
... your, you're
... learn them, use them, stop annoying me. proofread your writing so you dont look like an idiot. stop abbreviating words like 'and' and using 'n'. stop abbreviating words like 'maybe" and using "mayb". you are an adult. write like one.


...like i said, this list is ever-growing. however, i do find facebook a great means of staying connected to friends from college or family scattered throughout these great states. so i continue to use it... which gives me every right to complain about the things i hate.

if you find yourself a perpetrator of any of these and take offense to my comments, tough. grow some thicker skin. its me. not everyone will approve of everything you do in life. learn it. get over it. move on. if these things bring you joy, well, good for you. im not you. period.

what do YOU hate about facebook? if its witty and i agree, it might just make my list